ALEX DAY THE EMO BOY

"I feel so low" what a twat.

Suddenly I was flooded with nice messages from people wishing me well and I felt like an arsehole for worrying them xD

Okay, so, clarification.

I feel a bit weird because I pulled out of an opportunity to get a thousand dollars today for the HP video and I'm not even sure I have a good reason to justify it besides "it felt a bit weird".

I then tried making another video, uploaded it, and then deleted it while it was processing because it was shit, and I just made cos it's been a few days and I felt I should.

I'm constantly aware of the fact that I have to work on Skyers, practise the songs of my album, email Chameleon Circuit in the hope we can start rehearsing for the show if they still want to play, and I can't make myself care about any of these things. NONE of it.

Right now I just want to not have to think about my life for a little while. I've spent the last half-a-year thinking about where I'm going to live, and who I'm gonna do that with, what currency I'll be spending, what friends it's worth keeping, whether I want to be a writer or a musician or get into television all the while reminded of my dad, who works freelance as a cameraman and never got anywhere further, constantly behind on his work and never getting paid enough, and I'm wondering if I'll just end up like that.

My room is surrounded by things I no longer want, and I want to just run away and leave everything behind but that's not how the world works.

So that's why I felt down. Still do, really, but we're not gonna talk about it anymore cos this is the internet.

I don't even know why I write in this.

Yes I do.

I write in this to try and convince myself that my life is better than it is. I write in this because if I don't note down all the anecdotes and stupid ponderings that get me from moment to moment, all of this would be completely worthless. Same with everything I do online; I'm not a particularly talented person in any regard. I'm not a great guitarist, a great performer, a great songwriter, a great singer, a great writer; but I have people convincing me I should write books and release albums. I spend all my time trying to convince other people of the worth of my ideas in the hope they'll seem worthwhile to me one day, all the while avoiding the necessary work that has to be done to become a legitimately great writer or guitarist or any of those things, because I know right now that they're beyond me.

I use the internet to justify my life, when I should just be out there living it.

Maybe I should do that.

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